Sonya called, and she had been on my mind. I said I felt like a bad friend for not calling sooner. She said, "You are not a bad friend, you are doing the work that makes you and others come alive, and that's what you need to be doing."
With age I have lost some of the joyous confidence, that I now realize came from a certain degree of oblivion, that I relied on to make friends, make art, get boyfriends, and forgive myself for bad decisions. With this collection, I'm realizing, that I'm mourning the loss of that innocence and confidence. I ache with insecurities and I hate the moments I become aware that my actions have weight, that I may piss someone off, or let someone down.
Once again, it's down to the wire, and I'm struggling with the work, the doubt creeps in. I wonder if the struggle is part of the stripping of the bark, to get to the honesty. In making art, we can't just float along on the surface of ourselves and expect anything good to come out.
I've been listening to a lot of Gillian Welch. Her voice comforts me and I sing along while I paint alone in the woods. Her songs remind me to take my time with the emotions, even when they include fear, regret, or weakness.
In all that, there is goodness too. Even if just the common ground that is exposed when someone dares to lay it bare. Like Gillian and so many others have done... like I am trying to do.